3 Ways I Healed after Miscarriage
I am a worry wart. I know the chances of anything bad happening before I walk into any situation. I knew that there was a huge chance this pregnancy could be ectopic because of my endometriosis. I worried for about 5 weeks before I got confirmation that the baby was indeed in my uterus (where it's supposed to be if you don't know) and had a good little heartbeat. And I knew that because I was 8 weeks along and we saw a heartbeat, it would mean the baby had a very good chance of surviving. Like miscarriage rates went down to 20% good.
I had back aches, I was nauseous and weak, all things my midwife assured me were totally normal. Then I went in for my 12-week scan and found out that the baby had stopped growing at around the 6.5-week mark and no longer had a heartbeat. I had a missed miscarriage or spontaneous abortion as some people call it, which meant I had no cramping, no bleeding, nothing.
With missed miscarriages, in particular, 30% of women are plagued with depression following the loss. And I'm one of those people.
I hid in my room under the covers. Literally.
For a week and a half, I only left my house to take on one meeting with a client that I really love, and to hop in and out of the hospital. I ate takeout Popeyes Chicken (and I'm a vegan), I binge-watched The Office, and I cried a lot. I cried myself to sleep and I cried myself awake.
I fled the country.
2 days before I found out I lost the baby, we had announced our pregnancy through our social media channels, so everyone on the planet knew I was expecting. So through the first few days of my grief, I was still getting messages from friends congratulating me. I actually still get messages (2 months later) congratulating me on my pregnancy.
I was desperate to get out of Toronto, but because I had a missed miscarriage and still had retained products of conception, I had to wait for the doctor's okay. My "hiding in my room under the covers" phase wouldn't have lasted as long if I didn't have to wait for that godforsaken okay. When I finally heard the words "you still have retained products but just get medical insurance and you're okay to leave for a week".
So we did. We left to Costa Rica for a week and cried into the ocean instead of into the snowbanks.
I got help (I'm still very bad at this)
At first, I didn't really talk to anyone about it. I sort of just floated through my days with blurry vision from crying. I was tired of speaking to medical professionals who said things to me like 'imagine if you were 8 months along?' or 'it happens to everyone'. I was tired of saying 'I just had a miscarriage' every time I had to get an ultrasound or a checkup.
I just wanted it to be over. It took me 2 months to get to the point of actively believing I need a therapist to talk to, and a friend of mine sent me to 'Better Help' and it's $45/week* FOR UNLIMITED THERAPY. I also switched my therapist 3 times (they automatically assign you to therapists that match this quick questionnaire that you fill out, I'm sure they're all great but I'm a very delicate mess right now) because I really wanted someone with experience dealing with miscarriage. So they sent me an email basically saying 'we know you're having a hard time, so here's a list of our counsellors for you to pick from and we'll personally assign them to you'.
For the first time, I felt like somebody was listening to me. And I'm not super far into my therapy yet, but just taking that first step felt really good.